Conversations

He sat by himself a table across from mine. Shakily dipping his chicken nuggets into the little packets of sauce. His white tennis shoes, khaki pants, and checkered shirt were only complemented by the hunting-themed suspenders that barely fit around his big belly. I glanced up at him and smiled, and he smiled back.
"I wish I could use one of those things," he said, referring to my laptop.
I laughed. "They're nice when they work, but they can be pretty complicated!" I replied.

He chuckled, and that was the start of my God appointment at McDonald's this afternoon. Besides the access to Diet Dr. Pepper, one of my favorite reasons that I come here to work is because of the elderly people that sit all afternoon sipping coffee, eating ice cream, and loudly conversing about the grass, politics, their kids. I love all of it. I love college kids but I so miss interacting with the elderly population at my job in high school.

I never learned the man's name, and he never learned mine. But he was just how I had always imagined my Grandpa to be, and it was bittersweet.

He is 88 years old. He worked for an oil company until he was 81. He used to take his wife to the movies and out for a hamburger and malt for only 50 cents. His first salary was 10 cents an hour. He thought his 67 cent salary at the oil company was pretty good! He loves to talk (as I could probably tell, he told me). And he loves people. "You never waste a conversation with anyone," he said. "You always learn something from every person you talk to."

How true he was.

He must have mentioned his wife at least 5 times in our conversation. "She was a real pretty girl. Still is. She's been a real strength to me and I'm real proud of her. We've had a wonderful marriage."

During moments like that, his eyes would light up. Talking about his old job, his family, the good old days of 10 cent movies.

But then there was this unbearably painful moment were his eyes almost glazed over as the reality hit him once again. He is 88 and not getting younger. His wife is still beautiful in his eyes, but he can't be here with her forever. "I've had a real good life," he said.

Life suddenly felt overwhelmingly simple yet horribly complicated. God had placed a complete stranger at McDonald's to remind me...
-Of the beauty of people. Every single human being on this earth has a story. In the 10 minutes that I got to talk with this old man, I heard a part of his. I saw the joy of love young and old, the sorrow of mortality, the sweetness of simple life.
-Of the hope of still being in love with my spouse after 60 years of marriage. My greatest prayer is that when we are 88, we will speak of each other with a twinkle in our eye- still grateful for each other and thankful for each other's partnership.
-Of the solemn glory of birth and death. I am looking so forward to mothering children, and find the miracle of birth and adoption to be one of the most glorious processes here on this earth. Yet in that miracle is the reality of death- that life here is not eternal. Both of these things surround us at all times and it is a painful contradiction.
-Of our sovereign God. This man has been through SO much, so many years, so many changes. And I sit here with a pounding heart thinking about what comes next for us- and I'm only 21. The Lord knows the number of hairs on my head, He knows the number of our days. There is much to live for, much to gain, much to lose. Life is scary. And I think that it is okay to acknowledge that. Whether you are a high school senior entering college, a college grad entering the world, a couple expecting a baby, or a business man unsure of retirement- we can cry out to the Lord in our tears and say, "Jesus, I am scared. And I don't trust You enough. Help my unbelief." And He will. He will renew our trust, our hope, and our joy.

As the man finished his last chicken nugget he said with a smile, "Well I won't get in the way of your work. It was nice talkin' to you."
I replied, "I very much enjoyed talking to you. And I mean that genuinely."

Thankful for a God who points me to Him in the midst of ordinary conversations.

Out of my comfort zone.

I really do not like needles. I nearly pass out after getting a finger prick or a flu shot. The Red Cross comes to our school frequently to do blood drives but for the past 3 years, I had sweetly responded with, "I would love to but I can't. I would probably faint." But I decided last week that it was high time to get over my fear and just try it....so I signed up to give blood! I figured the worst thing that would happen is that I would actually faint. But my hope was that I would be successful and be able to continue this for years to come.

I had survived the finger prick, been called back to a seat, and the betadine was drying on my arm when I had the strongest urge to run before they could poke me with anything.

My sweet  husband sat next to me, held my hand, and distracted me as the room got warmer and started to spin. I made it through without fainting, ate lots of cookies, and went on with my day.

Yes, I was proud of myself. Yes, my heart was warmed by seeing my husband dote on me and encourage me to be brave and do it.

I apologize if this post is stretching a spiritual parallel too far. But I think there is significance beyond this personal achievement. How many times everyday do we choose what is comfortable to us? How many times do we avoid what it is uncomfortable or painful? It's a human instinct. I get it, trust me. But I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of the fact that I have refused to give blood for the past 3 years out of fear of fainting or fear of discomfort or fear of needles. Looking deeper, I'm not proud of the fact that I have avoided conversations about Jesus because of fear of failing, fear of awkwardness, or fear of making someone uncomfortable.

Jesus did what was NOT comfortable when He shed ALL of His blood on a cross for my sin. And though my act of discomfort last Thursday was trivial and small, the red cross taped on my arm was a reminder of the sacrifice Jesus made for us. And an encouragement to go beyond my comfort zone- whether it is giving blood that could save a life or sharing Truth that could save a soul.

Whether you have been hesitating to go give blood or talk about Jesus to a friend or neighbor- I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone for the sake of the Kingdom.

Confidence in Him.

This past week has been really hard. We got news from a different seminary offering Spencer a scholarship (Praise God!) but it really threw a a curveball into all the plans we thought we had made. I told myself I wasn't going to get stressed. The Lord would make clear the path, we would have a place to live, I would get a job- He will provide! But my flesh fought that Truth all week. It was truly an hour by hour battle between my need to control things and make plans and the confidence I had in God providing everything in His own time.

The more overwhelmed I got in my efforts to not be stressed, the more discouraged I felt. I hated the part of me that needs to have a plan and know what is going on. I despised the part of me that had no discipline and would ask Spencer daily if he had heard anything about the interview that hadn't taken place yet (yep folks, this is me in freak-out mode!).

Thankfully, I have a very patient husband who lovingly helps me through my insecurity and fear of the unknown. And I have a God who knows every inch of my quivering heart, and He has promised not to forsake me for a second.

As I sat down for a much-needed quiet time tonight, I opened my devotional book to words of encouragement that soothed my soul and gave me hope for a future that is full of peace and anxiety-free even in the midst of the unknown.

1 Corinthians speaks of God's strength in our weakness, His wisdom in the midst of what appears to be foolish plans. 1 Corinthians 1: 25-31 "2⁵ For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

²⁶ Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. ²⁷ But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. ²⁸ God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, ²⁹ so that no one may boast before him. ³⁰ It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness,holiness and redemption. ³¹ Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”^[d]"

^{Major W. Ian Thomas writes in his book "The Indwelling Life of Christ":}

"When it comes to the point of obedience to God's clear instructions, the Life of Jesus Christ within you makes human circumstances irrelevant; for to share His Life now as he once shared His Father's Life on earth is to know, as Jesus did, that Someone else is taking care of the consequences. What I am urging is simply that you become delightfully detached from the pressure of circumstance, so that it ceases to be the criterion in the decisions you make."

That is what I want!! I want to be so at rest and so confident in God's plan for us that I can be at rest in the midst of circumstance that could be stressful. No, this does not mean that we are to go about living our lives in a foolhardy manner, or making decisions for the sake of being "carefree." But it does mean that when God tells us to go that we go. It does mean that when He tells us to go, there may be risks involved. It may not look wise, secure, or comfortable to the world. 

Romans 12:1-2 says, "12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."

Do not conform to the pattern of this world. The life that God calls Christians to live will probably not be the American Dream. In fact, I would like to venture to say that it isn't the American Dream. There is much, much more to life than that. 

So I pray that the next time that Spencer and I are faced with unknown, decisions, or a call from God that seems risky or uncomfortable, that my answer is, "Yes Lord, I trust You to provide for us, even when the answers are not all right in front of me."

I pray for you also, that you would experience the freedom that comes from letting go of the pressures of this world and resting in the Lord's plan for your life. 

I'm back.

Hello friends,
I highly doubt anyone will even see this post. Because it's been so. long. since I've blogged.
Life got crazy, I barely survived last semester, but my head is above water again. I graduate in less than one month (somebody shake me!), and the hubby and I are moving somewhere for him to go to seminary.

But I don't want this blog to be about me. When I first got engaged and married, I remember googling "Blogs wife seminary." And I didn't find any! I wanted to be able to read about what it was like to be newly married and have a husband in seminary. So now that we are going to be that couple, and I will, Lord willing, have time to get back to writing, I'm going to pick up the pencil again, as one might say.

I'm far from perfect, but by God's grace, I am figuring it out day by day. And I want to share it with others as an encouragement. My ah-ha moments in marriage, adoption, ministry. And the weaker moments when I ruin dinner, act selfishly towards my husband, freak out about the future, and the list goes on.

This is my life, and I'm back to share it.