Musings of a Seminary Wife: Counting the Cost

One of the hardest things to face since coming to seminary has been the reality that it is very hard to raise a family during seminary. Many, many people do it, but their marriages and families suffer because of the financial burden and time restraints of being in seminary. Is it worth it? They all say absolutely yes.

It is sad to me. So many wives whose heart's desire it is to bear children and raise them up in the admonition of the Lord. Yet there must be food on the table and a roof over our heads, and money to pay for tuition. And oftentimes, this must fall on the wife. It is a lot of pressure. It is  hard to be responsible for providing income for your family, and it is really hard to put aside dreams of having a baby until after seminary.

I was talking with another couple last week who said something that really rang true to me. He said (in reference to deciding whether or not to wait to start a family during seminary) that, "You have to count the cost every single day, with huge measures of God's grace." It is a constant tension between our God-given call to be in seminary and our God-given call to bear children. Both good things, but maybe not at the same time.

We do not know where we're going to land on this topic, and everyone seems to have a different approach. We're both still very young, but nevertheless, I have dreamed of being a mom for 21 years, and the desire has not grown any less. It's what women were made for, and our hearts are just tugged towards nurturing.

I have told the Lord that our family is His. I know that to him, a thousand years is as a day, and so if He calls us to wait for several years, it is merely an hour in His plan- and our chief desire is to honor Him and further His kingdom.

We have to count the cost everyday. And the beautiful thing is, His grace will always more than overflow. Never will we rise in them morning and be found short of grace and mercy to step forth in surrender. So I rest in that. As hard as it is, I rest in that. And I know that my identity and joy will only be made complete in Him, not in a baby, an adoption, or having a family. He is and always will be my chief love, and He will do great things in and through my marriage besides raising up children.

Showing Grace

I think that in life there are seasons of showing grace. Sometimes, there are some really tough people who seem to constantly hurt and disappoint- this calls for buckets of grace to be poured on them. Other times, we need grace extended to us. This is the season in which I am living right now. 

Moving has just put me completely out-of-sorts. Because we are sub-leasing, none of our things are in this house. Our clothes are in someone else's drawers, we cook in someone else's kitchen, we sit on someone else's couch. Don't get me wrong- we are so very thankful to have a lovely place to stay in while we're in the transition period. But it doesn't feel like home, and that has been really hard for me. I have had to constantly remind myself that this earth is not my home anyways- that my Rest goes with me and never leaves. 

Being in a new neighborhood has thrown my exercise schedule out of whack. I don't know the streets, when it's safe to run by myself, or where to go. 

My fear and timidity of new people makes going to a new church exhausting and stretching. We're going to love our new church, but making friends is a process. 

I want this blog to be real and not me with a mask on- so this is real life for me right now! 

But the important thing is what can God show me in this? What can we as Christians, as humans, as wives learn from seasons of transition, of instability? 

For me, it has been that I must extend grace to myself. Otherwise, I end up beating myself up for not getting up earlier to go running, not meeting one more person at church, not being faithful in corresponding with friends, etc. We could make a list a mile long of all the things that we dropped the ball on. Sometimes it's a good thing when the Lord shows us our sin and insecurities. It is a part of our sanctification. But other times, it is an opportunity to embrace the grace that was given to us. 

How freeing it is to pray, "Lord, I am failing! I am getting bogged down by discouragement and insecurity. I am overwhelmed by all the new-ness of my life and am tempted to crawl into my shell of isolation. I am so far from perfect, but You have promised to help me in my weakness. You have promised to fill the voids when I fall short. You have promised to redeem what the locusts have eaten, what my sin broke you will make new. You restore and redeem. So equip me, Lord, to go out in knowledge of Your grace and Your strength in me."

And when we embrace this grace, we can move out our inward-focus to look out. I know that I'm not going to get it right. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. But I do know that I get to start with a clean slate. Because of Christ in me, I can rejoice claim victory over my imperfections. Because I no longer have to focus on my short-comings and failures, I can focus on being grace-giving to others, that they might know the healing power of grace and redemption in Christ. 

Musings of a Seminary Wife: A new meaning of "ours"

So, as I mentioned awhile back, I would like for this blog to become an encouragement to other seminary wives. When I first started looking for blogs that would give me a peek into the life of a fellow seminary wife and mom I couldn't find any!! I'm beginning to realize it is probably because they are working in order to get their husbands through school and don't have time to blog BUT...that is a topic for another day. :)

We've only been here for two weeks so I hesitate to make any generalizations or observations. However, I think that this topic of "ours" relates to marriage, seminary, and ministry regardless of what point you are at.

There's several marriage phrases that we throw around.
"What's mine is yours, and what yours is mine!"
"It's not yours, it's ours"
"Marriage brings the two together."
Maybe you can think of some more.

For me, this one-ness in regards to ministry has been the hardest thing about marriage for me. You have two sinful individuals who both have God-given callings and passions. And when these two become one, all of their visions for ministry and calling have to merge as well. It is the Lord who calls us to do anything, and so we have no reason to worry, but it can still be really hard!

Here's an analogy: Imagine that a husband and wife each hold a puzzle piece. The two pieces were designed by the artist to fit together, but only after some refining. Some holes will need to be filled, and some of the little arms will need to be cut down in order to fit. Finally, after some work, the two pieces can be wiggled together. However, after a few years of sitting on a dusty coffee table, the pieces begin to warp and bend. The artist realizes that it is time to reshape them a bit more. He shaves out some crevices and rounds out the arms until they fit together once more. And this process happens again and again and again in the puzzle's life.

So it is with us! These puzzle pieces are our individual ministries. Together, they become one big picture, a joint ministry. But sometimes, one of your callings is shaved away for a time to make room for the other person's.

I believe that my greatest calling is adoption and orphan advocacy. I have always felt this, and believe that I always will- because it is what I was made to do. So when we got married I thought, "Yaay! I have someone else who can pursue this with me. We can start planning for adoption!" I was a little off in my thinking. Yes, we have been planning and dreaming of starting the adoption process. Yes, Spencer has been someone who is pursuing this calling with me. He has been more than I could ask for, and I know that he will be a passionate advocate for our children when the time comes. However, the Lord also showed me that now is the time for me to pack away a little of that calling for now in order to open up space for seminary, because that is what my husband is called to do right now.

And so the Lord and I have worked on making space in my heart for seminary, and my primary ministry right now is encouraging my husband through words and deeds. Cleaning the house, grocery shopping, running errands, doing laundry, cooking, and packing his lunch everyday is what God has called me to do. It is making the bond between our puzzle pieces strong.

But this only works if I humbly surrender my desires and grasp on to His. This is where "ours" comes in. My husband's call to ministry and seminary is mine by default. Because we are married, because we have become one, I must make his ministry my own.

There is an opportunity here for us as seminary wives to practice this every single day. When our husbands are studying all day long and we spend another quiet evening alone, we can remember and rejoice in the calling that God has given us and our spouses. He has called us to make our spouse's calling our own. To join with him and say, "Yes, we are here at seminary because we are called to do ministry." We can fight bitterness at our husband's calling and subsequent time that it requires because we know that it is our calling too.

So, if you are a seminary wife, have you taken your husband's ministry and calling as your own? Do you find yourself throwing a pity party or being angry at him for choosing to undertake a stressful and time-consuming career? Ask for joy in your part of this puzzle. Ask for the Lord to show you the big picture- not just the little glimpses.

And if you aren't a seminary wife, what ministries or callings has God asked you to put to the side for awhile for the sake of your joint ministry? Are you at peace with this or do you still have some work to do?

Jesus, give us hearts of surrender to Your will, discernment to your calling, and joy in your plans. We desire only You, and ask that you teach us how to reflect Your love to our husbands as we strive to work alongside and with Him in the ministry you've called us to.

Do you wash your produce??

Because you REALLY SHOULD.

Trust me.

I'd never even researched salt or vinegar baths for produce until we moved. New place, new habits, maybe?

Anyways.

This was my second week of giving my produce a nice, cold vinegar bath. And I was so disgusted by what was left in my sink afterwards that I couldn't even bring myself to take a picture. Next time I will, though. Just in case you're not convinced after this post.

Here's how ya' do it.

Go to the grocery store and pick out all of your fresh produce!

Bring it home, and stick it in the sink.

Fill the sink with cold water and add a couple splashes of vinegar (depending on how much produce you  have).

Then, let it sit for about an hour. 

(This is my produce sitting in the sink. There's broccoli and green beans under the rest)

After it's sat, you'll notice a film on the top of the water and lots of dirt on the bottom. Dirt is inevitable and won't kill ya', but the chemical film really scares me.

Rinse off all the produce in cool water and let it dry. I just let mine sit in our dish drying rack for awhile. If you don't have time to let it air dry, you can pat it with a paper towel. I prep the lettuce right away and keep it in our salad spinner for the week so it's ready for meals.

And now...all of the dirt and gunk is down the drain and your produce is ready to be eaten!!

Hospitality

Sorry for the delay in posting...we moved, started a job, and the hubby started Greek class. It's been a little cray-cray in the Thomas household!

I'd like to start off this post with a poem that I wrote awhile back during a season when my heart did not feel hospitable:

Hospitality

We open our home, our hearth, our table

We have pledge to do as much as we’re able.

To share a warm meal and laughter with friends,

To hear people’s stories, and tell them again.

There’s a beauty in sharing all that we have;

We set the table to feed our hungry guests,

But our hearts are fed instead.

Hospitality; an art, a discipline, a gift,

An act of love for those who at our table sit.

3/7/13

All of this is true. Hospitality is a command in the Bible, an outward expression of God's loving kindness and generosity to us, and also a blessing to both the giver and receiver. 

If you read back to the Old and New Testament there are examples of hospitality all over. The Greek word for hospitality actually refers to opening up your home to strangers. There are countless examples of this in the Bible. Great feasts would be thrown for guests, and travelers would merely knock on a person's door to request lodging. It was considered to be a reciprocal favor- when I pass through your town, you allow me to stay in your home, and when you pass through mine I will do the same for you. There were very few "hotels" or inns, as they now call it. Society had truly embraced the Church's concept of caring for one another- whether they were in need or not. 

So, now try to speed up this lesson to the 21st century. We live chaotic lives, grocery bills are sky-high, and the majority of American families don't sit down to a meal together anyways. How do we make hospitality work today? 

Here are a few thoughts of mine that you may want to consider:

1. Starting right this second, just take the notion of your mind that your house needs to be "up to standards" in order to have guests. That's right. If you practice hospitality frequently, there will probably be dog hair on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, and laundry in the hallways. Your mirror will have toothpaste stains, your entryway will have shoes strewn about, and you will always (I mean always) have something you wished you had put away or cleaned up. I am an OCD, Type-A perfectionist and I will always be working on this lesson. But it is very freeing to let guests into your home as is. If you don't put on a face for your friends, why do you need to put a face on your house. Again- I am not perfect at this, but it is so crucial to establishing a practice of hospitality. 

2. You say you can't cook. That's ok. I get it. Let me give you some alternatives: buy a carton of ice cream and some chocolate sauce, or a frozen lasagna. People will appreciate your gesture- trust me. I also know some friends who eat out for almost all of their meals. So they will treat a couple to dinner. Expensive? Yes. But such a blessing to the receiver. Bottom line is: don't let your lack of cooking skills keep you from opening your home and your table. I've cooked some flop meals for guests and they've forgiven me. Plan B is ordering pizza. 

3. For me, hospitality has been a way for Spencer and I to foster relationships while still letting me be a home-body. I really love hosting people- but it takes a lot of energy for me to go to someone else's house. Isn't that weird? You'd think I'd jump at the opportunity to have a night off of cooking but my personality just loves to stay at home. 

4. Sit down and make a list of people you'd like to have over and set a deadline. Spencer and I did this for both semesters this past year and it was very helpful. Maybe it's pathetic that we have to make lists of people that we'd like to have over for dinner, but otherwise it just doesn't happen. 

5. Money. Yuck- everybody's least favorite topic. But let's face it- it's expensive to feed extra stomachs! We have kept our budget at a slightly higher amount in order to cover larger meals for guests- and we have never had a problem. Plan meals that are delicious but aren't over-the-top. The minute you think you need to buy filet mignon for your guests, you say goodbye to your budget. 

6. Lastly is a tip that we learned from our youth pastor's family. They have "hospitality night" at their  home once a week. They keep it on the same day, and their friends know that they're always welcome. They just need to let my pastor know beforehand if they're coming so that they can plan food. It may seem a bit daunting, but this is the most surefire way to foster an open-door policy. 

We pray that our home will be a welcome refuge for those we know and those we don't. We pray that our home will be noisy with the sounds of our kids and teenagers during their adolescent years- that they will respect us enough to want their friends to be with our family. We pray that we will never hold our wallets so tightly that we are not willing to extend our budget to meet the needs of guests. 

Is your table open? What steps can you take to foster a spirit of hospitality in your family?