One of the hardest things to face since coming to seminary has been the reality that it is very hard to raise a family during seminary. Many, many people do it, but their marriages and families suffer because of the financial burden and time restraints of being in seminary. Is it worth it? They all say absolutely yes.
It is sad to me. So many wives whose heart's desire it is to bear children and raise them up in the admonition of the Lord. Yet there must be food on the table and a roof over our heads, and money to pay for tuition. And oftentimes, this must fall on the wife. It is a lot of pressure. It is hard to be responsible for providing income for your family, and it is really hard to put aside dreams of having a baby until after seminary.
I was talking with another couple last week who said something that really rang true to me. He said (in reference to deciding whether or not to wait to start a family during seminary) that, "You have to count the cost every single day, with huge measures of God's grace." It is a constant tension between our God-given call to be in seminary and our God-given call to bear children. Both good things, but maybe not at the same time.
We do not know where we're going to land on this topic, and everyone seems to have a different approach. We're both still very young, but nevertheless, I have dreamed of being a mom for 21 years, and the desire has not grown any less. It's what women were made for, and our hearts are just tugged towards nurturing.
I have told the Lord that our family is His. I know that to him, a thousand years is as a day, and so if He calls us to wait for several years, it is merely an hour in His plan- and our chief desire is to honor Him and further His kingdom.
We have to count the cost everyday. And the beautiful thing is, His grace will always more than overflow. Never will we rise in them morning and be found short of grace and mercy to step forth in surrender. So I rest in that. As hard as it is, I rest in that. And I know that my identity and joy will only be made complete in Him, not in a baby, an adoption, or having a family. He is and always will be my chief love, and He will do great things in and through my marriage besides raising up children.
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Showing Grace
I think that in life there are seasons of showing grace. Sometimes, there are some really tough people who seem to constantly hurt and disappoint- this calls for buckets of grace to be poured on them. Other times, we need grace extended to us. This is the season in which I am living right now.
Moving has just put me completely out-of-sorts. Because we are sub-leasing, none of our things are in this house. Our clothes are in someone else's drawers, we cook in someone else's kitchen, we sit on someone else's couch. Don't get me wrong- we are so very thankful to have a lovely place to stay in while we're in the transition period. But it doesn't feel like home, and that has been really hard for me. I have had to constantly remind myself that this earth is not my home anyways- that my Rest goes with me and never leaves.
Being in a new neighborhood has thrown my exercise schedule out of whack. I don't know the streets, when it's safe to run by myself, or where to go.
My fear and timidity of new people makes going to a new church exhausting and stretching. We're going to love our new church, but making friends is a process.
I want this blog to be real and not me with a mask on- so this is real life for me right now!
But the important thing is what can God show me in this? What can we as Christians, as humans, as wives learn from seasons of transition, of instability?
For me, it has been that I must extend grace to myself. Otherwise, I end up beating myself up for not getting up earlier to go running, not meeting one more person at church, not being faithful in corresponding with friends, etc. We could make a list a mile long of all the things that we dropped the ball on. Sometimes it's a good thing when the Lord shows us our sin and insecurities. It is a part of our sanctification. But other times, it is an opportunity to embrace the grace that was given to us.
How freeing it is to pray, "Lord, I am failing! I am getting bogged down by discouragement and insecurity. I am overwhelmed by all the new-ness of my life and am tempted to crawl into my shell of isolation. I am so far from perfect, but You have promised to help me in my weakness. You have promised to fill the voids when I fall short. You have promised to redeem what the locusts have eaten, what my sin broke you will make new. You restore and redeem. So equip me, Lord, to go out in knowledge of Your grace and Your strength in me."
And when we embrace this grace, we can move out our inward-focus to look out. I know that I'm not going to get it right. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. But I do know that I get to start with a clean slate. Because of Christ in me, I can rejoice claim victory over my imperfections. Because I no longer have to focus on my short-comings and failures, I can focus on being grace-giving to others, that they might know the healing power of grace and redemption in Christ.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Musings of a Seminary Wife: A new meaning of "ours"
So, as I mentioned awhile back, I would like for this blog to become an encouragement to other seminary wives. When I first started looking for blogs that would give me a peek into the life of a fellow seminary wife and mom I couldn't find any!! I'm beginning to realize it is probably because they are working in order to get their husbands through school and don't have time to blog BUT...that is a topic for another day. :)
We've only been here for two weeks so I hesitate to make any generalizations or observations. However, I think that this topic of "ours" relates to marriage, seminary, and ministry regardless of what point you are at.
There's several marriage phrases that we throw around.
"What's mine is yours, and what yours is mine!"
"It's not yours, it's ours"
"Marriage brings the two together."
Maybe you can think of some more.
For me, this one-ness in regards to ministry has been the hardest thing about marriage for me. You have two sinful individuals who both have God-given callings and passions. And when these two become one, all of their visions for ministry and calling have to merge as well. It is the Lord who calls us to do anything, and so we have no reason to worry, but it can still be really hard!
Here's an analogy: Imagine that a husband and wife each hold a puzzle piece. The two pieces were designed by the artist to fit together, but only after some refining. Some holes will need to be filled, and some of the little arms will need to be cut down in order to fit. Finally, after some work, the two pieces can be wiggled together. However, after a few years of sitting on a dusty coffee table, the pieces begin to warp and bend. The artist realizes that it is time to reshape them a bit more. He shaves out some crevices and rounds out the arms until they fit together once more. And this process happens again and again and again in the puzzle's life.
So it is with us! These puzzle pieces are our individual ministries. Together, they become one big picture, a joint ministry. But sometimes, one of your callings is shaved away for a time to make room for the other person's.
I believe that my greatest calling is adoption and orphan advocacy. I have always felt this, and believe that I always will- because it is what I was made to do. So when we got married I thought, "Yaay! I have someone else who can pursue this with me. We can start planning for adoption!" I was a little off in my thinking. Yes, we have been planning and dreaming of starting the adoption process. Yes, Spencer has been someone who is pursuing this calling with me. He has been more than I could ask for, and I know that he will be a passionate advocate for our children when the time comes. However, the Lord also showed me that now is the time for me to pack away a little of that calling for now in order to open up space for seminary, because that is what my husband is called to do right now.
And so the Lord and I have worked on making space in my heart for seminary, and my primary ministry right now is encouraging my husband through words and deeds. Cleaning the house, grocery shopping, running errands, doing laundry, cooking, and packing his lunch everyday is what God has called me to do. It is making the bond between our puzzle pieces strong.
But this only works if I humbly surrender my desires and grasp on to His. This is where "ours" comes in. My husband's call to ministry and seminary is mine by default. Because we are married, because we have become one, I must make his ministry my own.
There is an opportunity here for us as seminary wives to practice this every single day. When our husbands are studying all day long and we spend another quiet evening alone, we can remember and rejoice in the calling that God has given us and our spouses. He has called us to make our spouse's calling our own. To join with him and say, "Yes, we are here at seminary because we are called to do ministry." We can fight bitterness at our husband's calling and subsequent time that it requires because we know that it is our calling too.
So, if you are a seminary wife, have you taken your husband's ministry and calling as your own? Do you find yourself throwing a pity party or being angry at him for choosing to undertake a stressful and time-consuming career? Ask for joy in your part of this puzzle. Ask for the Lord to show you the big picture- not just the little glimpses.
And if you aren't a seminary wife, what ministries or callings has God asked you to put to the side for awhile for the sake of your joint ministry? Are you at peace with this or do you still have some work to do?
Jesus, give us hearts of surrender to Your will, discernment to your calling, and joy in your plans. We desire only You, and ask that you teach us how to reflect Your love to our husbands as we strive to work alongside and with Him in the ministry you've called us to.
We've only been here for two weeks so I hesitate to make any generalizations or observations. However, I think that this topic of "ours" relates to marriage, seminary, and ministry regardless of what point you are at.
There's several marriage phrases that we throw around.
"What's mine is yours, and what yours is mine!"
"It's not yours, it's ours"
"Marriage brings the two together."
Maybe you can think of some more.
For me, this one-ness in regards to ministry has been the hardest thing about marriage for me. You have two sinful individuals who both have God-given callings and passions. And when these two become one, all of their visions for ministry and calling have to merge as well. It is the Lord who calls us to do anything, and so we have no reason to worry, but it can still be really hard!
Here's an analogy: Imagine that a husband and wife each hold a puzzle piece. The two pieces were designed by the artist to fit together, but only after some refining. Some holes will need to be filled, and some of the little arms will need to be cut down in order to fit. Finally, after some work, the two pieces can be wiggled together. However, after a few years of sitting on a dusty coffee table, the pieces begin to warp and bend. The artist realizes that it is time to reshape them a bit more. He shaves out some crevices and rounds out the arms until they fit together once more. And this process happens again and again and again in the puzzle's life.
And so the Lord and I have worked on making space in my heart for seminary, and my primary ministry right now is encouraging my husband through words and deeds. Cleaning the house, grocery shopping, running errands, doing laundry, cooking, and packing his lunch everyday is what God has called me to do. It is making the bond between our puzzle pieces strong.
But this only works if I humbly surrender my desires and grasp on to His. This is where "ours" comes in. My husband's call to ministry and seminary is mine by default. Because we are married, because we have become one, I must make his ministry my own.
There is an opportunity here for us as seminary wives to practice this every single day. When our husbands are studying all day long and we spend another quiet evening alone, we can remember and rejoice in the calling that God has given us and our spouses. He has called us to make our spouse's calling our own. To join with him and say, "Yes, we are here at seminary because we are called to do ministry." We can fight bitterness at our husband's calling and subsequent time that it requires because we know that it is our calling too.
So, if you are a seminary wife, have you taken your husband's ministry and calling as your own? Do you find yourself throwing a pity party or being angry at him for choosing to undertake a stressful and time-consuming career? Ask for joy in your part of this puzzle. Ask for the Lord to show you the big picture- not just the little glimpses.
And if you aren't a seminary wife, what ministries or callings has God asked you to put to the side for awhile for the sake of your joint ministry? Are you at peace with this or do you still have some work to do?
Jesus, give us hearts of surrender to Your will, discernment to your calling, and joy in your plans. We desire only You, and ask that you teach us how to reflect Your love to our husbands as we strive to work alongside and with Him in the ministry you've called us to.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Do you wash your produce??
Because you REALLY SHOULD.
Trust me.
I'd never even researched salt or vinegar baths for produce until we moved. New place, new habits, maybe?
Anyways.
This was my second week of giving my produce a nice, cold vinegar bath. And I was so disgusted by what was left in my sink afterwards that I couldn't even bring myself to take a picture. Next time I will, though. Just in case you're not convinced after this post.
Here's how ya' do it.
Go to the grocery store and pick out all of your fresh produce!
Bring it home, and stick it in the sink.
Fill the sink with cold water and add a couple splashes of vinegar (depending on how much produce you have).
(This is my produce sitting in the sink. There's broccoli and green beans under the rest)
After it's sat, you'll notice a film on the top of the water and lots of dirt on the bottom. Dirt is inevitable and won't kill ya', but the chemical film really scares me.
Rinse off all the produce in cool water and let it dry. I just let mine sit in our dish drying rack for awhile. If you don't have time to let it air dry, you can pat it with a paper towel. I prep the lettuce right away and keep it in our salad spinner for the week so it's ready for meals.
And now...all of the dirt and gunk is down the drain and your produce is ready to be eaten!!
Trust me.
I'd never even researched salt or vinegar baths for produce until we moved. New place, new habits, maybe?
Anyways.
This was my second week of giving my produce a nice, cold vinegar bath. And I was so disgusted by what was left in my sink afterwards that I couldn't even bring myself to take a picture. Next time I will, though. Just in case you're not convinced after this post.
Here's how ya' do it.
Go to the grocery store and pick out all of your fresh produce!
Bring it home, and stick it in the sink.
Fill the sink with cold water and add a couple splashes of vinegar (depending on how much produce you have).
Then, let it sit for about an hour.
After it's sat, you'll notice a film on the top of the water and lots of dirt on the bottom. Dirt is inevitable and won't kill ya', but the chemical film really scares me.
Rinse off all the produce in cool water and let it dry. I just let mine sit in our dish drying rack for awhile. If you don't have time to let it air dry, you can pat it with a paper towel. I prep the lettuce right away and keep it in our salad spinner for the week so it's ready for meals.
And now...all of the dirt and gunk is down the drain and your produce is ready to be eaten!!
Monday, June 10, 2013
Hospitality
Sorry for the delay in posting...we moved, started a job, and the hubby started Greek class. It's been a little cray-cray in the Thomas household!
I'd like to start off this post with a poem that I wrote awhile back during a season when my heart did not feel hospitable:
I'd like to start off this post with a poem that I wrote awhile back during a season when my heart did not feel hospitable:
Hospitality
We open our home, our hearth, our table
We have pledge to do as much as we’re able.
To share a warm meal and laughter with friends,
To hear people’s stories, and tell them again.
There’s a beauty in sharing all that we have;
We set the table to feed our hungry guests,
But our hearts are fed instead.
Hospitality; an art, a discipline, a gift,
An act of love for those who at our table sit.
3/7/13
All of this is true. Hospitality is a command in the Bible, an outward expression of God's loving kindness and generosity to us, and also a blessing to both the giver and receiver.
If you read back to the Old and New Testament there are examples of hospitality all over. The Greek word for hospitality actually refers to opening up your home to strangers. There are countless examples of this in the Bible. Great feasts would be thrown for guests, and travelers would merely knock on a person's door to request lodging. It was considered to be a reciprocal favor- when I pass through your town, you allow me to stay in your home, and when you pass through mine I will do the same for you. There were very few "hotels" or inns, as they now call it. Society had truly embraced the Church's concept of caring for one another- whether they were in need or not.
So, now try to speed up this lesson to the 21st century. We live chaotic lives, grocery bills are sky-high, and the majority of American families don't sit down to a meal together anyways. How do we make hospitality work today?
Here are a few thoughts of mine that you may want to consider:
1. Starting right this second, just take the notion of your mind that your house needs to be "up to standards" in order to have guests. That's right. If you practice hospitality frequently, there will probably be dog hair on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, and laundry in the hallways. Your mirror will have toothpaste stains, your entryway will have shoes strewn about, and you will always (I mean always) have something you wished you had put away or cleaned up. I am an OCD, Type-A perfectionist and I will always be working on this lesson. But it is very freeing to let guests into your home as is. If you don't put on a face for your friends, why do you need to put a face on your house. Again- I am not perfect at this, but it is so crucial to establishing a practice of hospitality.
2. You say you can't cook. That's ok. I get it. Let me give you some alternatives: buy a carton of ice cream and some chocolate sauce, or a frozen lasagna. People will appreciate your gesture- trust me. I also know some friends who eat out for almost all of their meals. So they will treat a couple to dinner. Expensive? Yes. But such a blessing to the receiver. Bottom line is: don't let your lack of cooking skills keep you from opening your home and your table. I've cooked some flop meals for guests and they've forgiven me. Plan B is ordering pizza.
3. For me, hospitality has been a way for Spencer and I to foster relationships while still letting me be a home-body. I really love hosting people- but it takes a lot of energy for me to go to someone else's house. Isn't that weird? You'd think I'd jump at the opportunity to have a night off of cooking but my personality just loves to stay at home.
4. Sit down and make a list of people you'd like to have over and set a deadline. Spencer and I did this for both semesters this past year and it was very helpful. Maybe it's pathetic that we have to make lists of people that we'd like to have over for dinner, but otherwise it just doesn't happen.
5. Money. Yuck- everybody's least favorite topic. But let's face it- it's expensive to feed extra stomachs! We have kept our budget at a slightly higher amount in order to cover larger meals for guests- and we have never had a problem. Plan meals that are delicious but aren't over-the-top. The minute you think you need to buy filet mignon for your guests, you say goodbye to your budget.
6. Lastly is a tip that we learned from our youth pastor's family. They have "hospitality night" at their home once a week. They keep it on the same day, and their friends know that they're always welcome. They just need to let my pastor know beforehand if they're coming so that they can plan food. It may seem a bit daunting, but this is the most surefire way to foster an open-door policy.
We pray that our home will be a welcome refuge for those we know and those we don't. We pray that our home will be noisy with the sounds of our kids and teenagers during their adolescent years- that they will respect us enough to want their friends to be with our family. We pray that we will never hold our wallets so tightly that we are not willing to extend our budget to meet the needs of guests.
Is your table open? What steps can you take to foster a spirit of hospitality in your family?
Thursday, May 23, 2013
In plenty and in want
We are inundated these days with blogs, books, and documentaries about GMO's, organic choices, plant-based diets and more.
One of my heart's desires is to feed my family well. This may not mean that we eat what tastes good- but we eat what is good for our bodies. Spencer has slowly become accustomed to the taste of whole grains, and hopefully as I introduce more new foods that transition will continue. I try to limit our consumption of foods from a box or package, as the chemicals and unknown contents are not something I want us eating!
During this mini summer break, I've been perusing whole-food/natural/organic blogs. It's been fun, and I'm getting excited to have our own kitchen and start on a fresh summer menu full of greens and produce.
But here's where I've been getting stuck. I know in my heart and mind that striving for good health and a balanced diet is a Godly mission. He called us to care for our bodies, because they are a temple of the Lord! (1 Corinthians 6:19). In giving them proper nutrition, exercise, and rest, we are energizing and preparing them for years of productive service to the Kingdom, amen! But I also know that children die every day from malnutrition. And I know that there are millions of people who would walk miles just for a package of sodium-laden, preservative-filled, sugar-packed food. And they would think it to be a feast.
Within this world of human beings, there are many in plenty and in want. Luke 12:48 says that, '...to whom much has been given, much will be demanded. And from whom much has been entrusted, much more will be asked." Those of us who live in plenty make choices everyday as we swipe our cards and hand over dollar bills (myself included!).
In talking with a friend about this issue last night she reminded me that poverty is not a form of righteousness. Nor is it a punishment from God. Granted, these 2 statements could open up a can of worms. But that is not my intention.
Proverbs 31 says that a noble wife will work with determination to feed her family (v. 15). Only 5 verses later, it says that the noble wife extends her hands to the needy. Is this contradictory? I think not.
And so this is where I choose to rest. In the knowledge that the Lord provided the plants of the field and the animals of the flock for our consumption- as strength for our bodies. He has instructed us to put into our bodies what is wholesome and good, that they might be strengthened for the work of the kingdom. He has given us freedom of choice- we may eat as we choose, but not without consequence. And we are to give to the poor.
So as a wife and Lord willing, a mother someday, I want to nourish my family with food that is wholesome and healthy. But not only that, I want to feed their hearts with grace and truth that the health of their souls might match that of their body. It is only by the grace of God that we know what good health is, and that we live in a place where we even have a choice of what to eat.
This truth-searching on food has given me a new and beautiful perspective that I hope to maintain in my own heart and pass on to the hearts of my family- that every meal is a blessing from the Lord, and that we ought to hold it with open hands and an open door that others might partake...
---hospitality post coming soon!---
Sunday, May 19, 2013
The life ladder.
I have realized recently that life is a little bit like a ladder. Every new chapter, season, or milestone is a new rung. We've climbed a lot of rungs recently.
Marriage, Graduation, moving to St. Louis, Spencer going to seminary and me getting a job, purchasing a second car.....
Asking hard questions...When do we have kids? Do we adopt first? What is the Lord's plan for birth control?
How do we use our money? How much do we save? How do we live IN this world but not OF it? Are we called to the mission field?
And the list goes on.
But back to the ladder analogy. Each rung takes you a bit higher on the ladder. Stepping up can feel rather exciting! But looking down can be scary. You realize how much responsibility you have, how risky the next step might be.
And when we take these steps up the ladder, whether it be marriage, a job, kids, ministry decisions, or even just making changes in your life, we can do 2 things.
We can rest, knowing that the Lord is holding us so that we will not fall. This means climbing the next rung with confidence and hope, no matter how scary, radical, or uncomfortable it may be.
OR, we can hold on for dear life. We can grip our toes on the step, wrap our fingers around the edge until our knuckles are white, purchase bungie cords in case we slip, and build a net in case the bungie cord fails.
This has been me. I hold onto the ladder and attempt to use the things of this world to secure me- mainly money and plans.
Here is an excerpt from my journal the other day:
"Father, you say to be in the world and not of it. That is so much easier said than done. Do I really honestly want your plan for me? I know that I often don't. I want both, God! I want a comfortable home and children, money to adopt and provide for them. So many of my fears lacks Eternal Significance. It all does. And in the end, I know I would be ashamed of my petty worries, hurts, fears, and insecurities. But they are very real, very blinding, and very misleading. They keep me from having a kingdom perspective, they pull my husband's dreams to the ground, they make me material-minded, and they make my counterfeit gods bigger than you. Father, would you reign in me, please. Put your God-blinders on and whisper gently when I stray. So prone to wander am I."
Our pastor taught on Hebrews 13 this morning and I was so encouraged:
Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. 2 Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it.3 Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.
4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. 5 Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”[a]
never will I forsake you.”[a]
6 So we say with confidence,
“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?”[b
What can mere mortals do to me?”[b
When the Lord promises to Joshua, and here in Hebrews, "I will never leave you or forsake you," the Greek actually has 5 negatives. So it is: I will never oh never no never forsake you.
What a beautiful, solid, hopeful promise. The idea of God taking us to a place of challenge and struggle is enough to make me stay on this rung of the ladder.
But when I look down at all the promises of God that I am standing on, I know that I can let go and let Him carry us up the ladder, whether it be to Africa, to a trailer park, to children who will require our support for the rest of their lives.
I don't know what He has for us, and we may never know the answers to these hard questions. But I know that He is faithful, and that He has promised never to leave us.
Friday, May 3, 2013
For the One who called you is FAITHFUL.
Yesterday's reading in The Indwelling Life of Christ fit perfectly with this season of life:
"He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24
Now if God has called you, and if God Himself will accomplish what He has called you to, what could possibly be illogical about anything to which He calls you?
"It is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure." Philippians 2:13
If God has willed it, and if God Himself is going to work in you to bring about what He wills, what could possibly be illogical about any part of His will for your life?
Well...when you put it that way, I don't know! But in the moment, I have so. much. trouble. trusting God.
I started learning Spanish with Rosetta Stone in 3rd grade, and began actual Spanish classes in 5th grade. That was 11 years ago. Today, I sat in my last Spanish class ever, and I thought to myself, "You called me to it, and You did it, God!"
And before I start sounding like the obedient child who willingly follows her Father's call, let me tell you that I followed His call to get my Spanish major kicking and screaming. And crying. It has been the most discouraging process and one of great warfare with the Enemy. I have had Spanish professors tell me to my face that I was not good enough for a class, that missionaries have terrible Spanish, that I shouldn't be in this major. My love for Spanish grew out of my love for Guatemala, the Hispanic people, and my heart for the orphan. And even now, so far, this major has only caused unnecessary stress and limited my future job options. But that is in man-logic.
God-logic shows me that through this major, He taught me more than I ever dreamed about my identity in Christ, my victory in Him and not my grades, and His faithfulness to provide everything I need to do what He called me to. Though there are no immediate rewards for finishing 11 years of Spanish, that is not the mind of our God. God says that He called me to persevere through this major, and that He would demonstrate His faithfulness by carrying it through to completion.
Our God works beyond man-logic, into divine-logic.
Our God has plans far beyond our carnal dreams of money and success.
Our God is after our hearts.
What is the Lord calling you to today? Are you submitting to His will and following, trusting that He will provide for your every step?
Or are you arguing and complaining- showing him your Excel sheets and pro/con lists in an attempt to prove the absurdity of His call?
I encourage you to rest in His promises today, for whatever thing He has called you to. For the One who called you is faithful, and He will do it.
"He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it." 1 Thessalonians 5:24
Now if God has called you, and if God Himself will accomplish what He has called you to, what could possibly be illogical about anything to which He calls you?
"It is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure." Philippians 2:13
If God has willed it, and if God Himself is going to work in you to bring about what He wills, what could possibly be illogical about any part of His will for your life?
Well...when you put it that way, I don't know! But in the moment, I have so. much. trouble. trusting God.
I started learning Spanish with Rosetta Stone in 3rd grade, and began actual Spanish classes in 5th grade. That was 11 years ago. Today, I sat in my last Spanish class ever, and I thought to myself, "You called me to it, and You did it, God!"
And before I start sounding like the obedient child who willingly follows her Father's call, let me tell you that I followed His call to get my Spanish major kicking and screaming. And crying. It has been the most discouraging process and one of great warfare with the Enemy. I have had Spanish professors tell me to my face that I was not good enough for a class, that missionaries have terrible Spanish, that I shouldn't be in this major. My love for Spanish grew out of my love for Guatemala, the Hispanic people, and my heart for the orphan. And even now, so far, this major has only caused unnecessary stress and limited my future job options. But that is in man-logic.
God-logic shows me that through this major, He taught me more than I ever dreamed about my identity in Christ, my victory in Him and not my grades, and His faithfulness to provide everything I need to do what He called me to. Though there are no immediate rewards for finishing 11 years of Spanish, that is not the mind of our God. God says that He called me to persevere through this major, and that He would demonstrate His faithfulness by carrying it through to completion.
Our God works beyond man-logic, into divine-logic.
Our God has plans far beyond our carnal dreams of money and success.
Our God is after our hearts.
What is the Lord calling you to today? Are you submitting to His will and following, trusting that He will provide for your every step?
Or are you arguing and complaining- showing him your Excel sheets and pro/con lists in an attempt to prove the absurdity of His call?
I encourage you to rest in His promises today, for whatever thing He has called you to. For the One who called you is faithful, and He will do it.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
The Heart of a Mother
So I was watching a show the other day (Call the Midwife), and the story was about a young teenager who got pregnant through prostitution and lived in a Catholic Women's home during her pregnancy. After the birth, they took her baby away and gave her (the baby) up for adoption (the story is set in 1950's Britain). Months later, having nearly lost her mind from the distress of being separated from her newborn, she tries to track down the adoptive couple to take her baby back. Meanwhile, the adoptive mother is completely distraught from losing her newly adopted baby. The ending scene shows the midwife coaxing this young mother to return her baby to the adoptive family- where she is loved and cared for better than this girl is capable of. As the midwife walks out with the baby in her arms, it shows the adoptive couple with tears of joy as they are reunited with their daughter, and the young mother standing in the corner of the alleyway, shoulder shaking as she loses her daughter once more.
There are many beautiful parts of the adoption journey. A child is given a home with a loving family. Parents' arms are filled with a bundle of joy.
But there are also the dark and painful parts of adoption. The part that leaves a birth mother with empty arms and an aching heart. There are very few instances in which this is not the case. Even mothers who voluntarily give up their baby will feel the awful ache of loss deep inside, even if it is subconscious and denied.
But as I sat thinking about this, I had a beautiful thought. In God's adoption of us as sons and daughters of His kingdom- there is NO painful loss!! There is only joyful gain of eternal inheritance and a Heavenly family.
He lifts us out of our pit into glorious victory in Christ. He takes our grief, our insecurities, our trauma and brings beautiful things out of it.
This fills me with hope. That there is adoption that doesn't involve the breaking of a heart for the sake of another. That the birth moms of our babies may experience a spiritual adoption in which their hearts are healed from sorrow of their own loss.
Thanking God today for grace and mercy that allows me and you to be His children.
But as I sat thinking about this, I had a beautiful thought. In God's adoption of us as sons and daughters of His kingdom- there is NO painful loss!! There is only joyful gain of eternal inheritance and a Heavenly family.
He lifts us out of our pit into glorious victory in Christ. He takes our grief, our insecurities, our trauma and brings beautiful things out of it.
This fills me with hope. That there is adoption that doesn't involve the breaking of a heart for the sake of another. That the birth moms of our babies may experience a spiritual adoption in which their hearts are healed from sorrow of their own loss.
Thanking God today for grace and mercy that allows me and you to be His children.
A Sweet Sight to See
I walked into our bedroom the other day to check in on Spencer's progress on homework, and this is what he was looking at on his laptop:
"What are you doing?!!"
"I am just looking. Don't get too excited."
"I know! But you're looking at adoption stuff!!!"
"Yep."
So we spent the next few minutes looking at country guidelines and dreaming of our future multi-cultural family.
It was one of those moments where my heart just swelled with pride and love. I am not sure that I have ever loved him more, or been more in awe at the fact that I got to marry him. The Lord did not need to give me a spouse who has a heart for the orphan or wants to adopt. But He did.
I prayed for a husband who would pursue this calling with me and the Lord answered that prayer. How great is our God!
"What are you doing?!!"
"I am just looking. Don't get too excited."
"I know! But you're looking at adoption stuff!!!"
"Yep."
So we spent the next few minutes looking at country guidelines and dreaming of our future multi-cultural family.
It was one of those moments where my heart just swelled with pride and love. I am not sure that I have ever loved him more, or been more in awe at the fact that I got to marry him. The Lord did not need to give me a spouse who has a heart for the orphan or wants to adopt. But He did.
I prayed for a husband who would pursue this calling with me and the Lord answered that prayer. How great is our God!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Conversations
He sat by himself a table across from mine. Shakily dipping his chicken nuggets into the little packets of sauce. His white tennis shoes, khaki pants, and checkered shirt were only complemented by the hunting-themed suspenders that barely fit around his big belly. I glanced up at him and smiled, and he smiled back.
"I wish I could use one of those things," he said, referring to my laptop.
I laughed. "They're nice when they work, but they can be pretty complicated!" I replied.
He chuckled, and that was the start of my God appointment at McDonald's this afternoon. Besides the access to Diet Dr. Pepper, one of my favorite reasons that I come here to work is because of the elderly people that sit all afternoon sipping coffee, eating ice cream, and loudly conversing about the grass, politics, their kids. I love all of it. I love college kids but I so miss interacting with the elderly population at my job in high school.
I never learned the man's name, and he never learned mine. But he was just how I had always imagined my Grandpa to be, and it was bittersweet.
He is 88 years old. He worked for an oil company until he was 81. He used to take his wife to the movies and out for a hamburger and malt for only 50 cents. His first salary was 10 cents an hour. He thought his 67 cent salary at the oil company was pretty good! He loves to talk (as I could probably tell, he told me). And he loves people. "You never waste a conversation with anyone," he said. "You always learn something from every person you talk to."
How true he was.
He must have mentioned his wife at least 5 times in our conversation. "She was a real pretty girl. Still is. She's been a real strength to me and I'm real proud of her. We've had a wonderful marriage."
During moments like that, his eyes would light up. Talking about his old job, his family, the good old days of 10 cent movies.
But then there was this unbearably painful moment were his eyes almost glazed over as the reality hit him once again. He is 88 and not getting younger. His wife is still beautiful in his eyes, but he can't be here with her forever. "I've had a real good life," he said.
Life suddenly felt overwhelmingly simple yet horribly complicated. God had placed a complete stranger at McDonald's to remind me...
-Of the beauty of people. Every single human being on this earth has a story. In the 10 minutes that I got to talk with this old man, I heard a part of his. I saw the joy of love young and old, the sorrow of mortality, the sweetness of simple life.
-Of the hope of still being in love with my spouse after 60 years of marriage. My greatest prayer is that when we are 88, we will speak of each other with a twinkle in our eye- still grateful for each other and thankful for each other's partnership.
-Of the solemn glory of birth and death. I am looking so forward to mothering children, and find the miracle of birth and adoption to be one of the most glorious processes here on this earth. Yet in that miracle is the reality of death- that life here is not eternal. Both of these things surround us at all times and it is a painful contradiction.
-Of our sovereign God. This man has been through SO much, so many years, so many changes. And I sit here with a pounding heart thinking about what comes next for us- and I'm only 21. The Lord knows the number of hairs on my head, He knows the number of our days. There is much to live for, much to gain, much to lose. Life is scary. And I think that it is okay to acknowledge that. Whether you are a high school senior entering college, a college grad entering the world, a couple expecting a baby, or a business man unsure of retirement- we can cry out to the Lord in our tears and say, "Jesus, I am scared. And I don't trust You enough. Help my unbelief." And He will. He will renew our trust, our hope, and our joy.
As the man finished his last chicken nugget he said with a smile, "Well I won't get in the way of your work. It was nice talkin' to you."
I replied, "I very much enjoyed talking to you. And I mean that genuinely."
Thankful for a God who points me to Him in the midst of ordinary conversations.
"I wish I could use one of those things," he said, referring to my laptop.
I laughed. "They're nice when they work, but they can be pretty complicated!" I replied.
He chuckled, and that was the start of my God appointment at McDonald's this afternoon. Besides the access to Diet Dr. Pepper, one of my favorite reasons that I come here to work is because of the elderly people that sit all afternoon sipping coffee, eating ice cream, and loudly conversing about the grass, politics, their kids. I love all of it. I love college kids but I so miss interacting with the elderly population at my job in high school.
I never learned the man's name, and he never learned mine. But he was just how I had always imagined my Grandpa to be, and it was bittersweet.
He is 88 years old. He worked for an oil company until he was 81. He used to take his wife to the movies and out for a hamburger and malt for only 50 cents. His first salary was 10 cents an hour. He thought his 67 cent salary at the oil company was pretty good! He loves to talk (as I could probably tell, he told me). And he loves people. "You never waste a conversation with anyone," he said. "You always learn something from every person you talk to."
How true he was.
He must have mentioned his wife at least 5 times in our conversation. "She was a real pretty girl. Still is. She's been a real strength to me and I'm real proud of her. We've had a wonderful marriage."
During moments like that, his eyes would light up. Talking about his old job, his family, the good old days of 10 cent movies.
But then there was this unbearably painful moment were his eyes almost glazed over as the reality hit him once again. He is 88 and not getting younger. His wife is still beautiful in his eyes, but he can't be here with her forever. "I've had a real good life," he said.
Life suddenly felt overwhelmingly simple yet horribly complicated. God had placed a complete stranger at McDonald's to remind me...
-Of the beauty of people. Every single human being on this earth has a story. In the 10 minutes that I got to talk with this old man, I heard a part of his. I saw the joy of love young and old, the sorrow of mortality, the sweetness of simple life.
-Of the hope of still being in love with my spouse after 60 years of marriage. My greatest prayer is that when we are 88, we will speak of each other with a twinkle in our eye- still grateful for each other and thankful for each other's partnership.
-Of the solemn glory of birth and death. I am looking so forward to mothering children, and find the miracle of birth and adoption to be one of the most glorious processes here on this earth. Yet in that miracle is the reality of death- that life here is not eternal. Both of these things surround us at all times and it is a painful contradiction.
-Of our sovereign God. This man has been through SO much, so many years, so many changes. And I sit here with a pounding heart thinking about what comes next for us- and I'm only 21. The Lord knows the number of hairs on my head, He knows the number of our days. There is much to live for, much to gain, much to lose. Life is scary. And I think that it is okay to acknowledge that. Whether you are a high school senior entering college, a college grad entering the world, a couple expecting a baby, or a business man unsure of retirement- we can cry out to the Lord in our tears and say, "Jesus, I am scared. And I don't trust You enough. Help my unbelief." And He will. He will renew our trust, our hope, and our joy.
As the man finished his last chicken nugget he said with a smile, "Well I won't get in the way of your work. It was nice talkin' to you."
I replied, "I very much enjoyed talking to you. And I mean that genuinely."
Thankful for a God who points me to Him in the midst of ordinary conversations.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Out of my comfort zone.
I had survived the finger prick, been called back to a seat, and the betadine was drying on my arm when I had the strongest urge to run before they could poke me with anything.
My sweet husband sat next to me, held my hand, and distracted me as the room got warmer and started to spin. I made it through without fainting, ate lots of cookies, and went on with my day.
Yes, I was proud of myself. Yes, my heart was warmed by seeing my husband dote on me and encourage me to be brave and do it.
I apologize if this post is stretching a spiritual parallel too far. But I think there is significance beyond this personal achievement. How many times everyday do we choose what is comfortable to us? How many times do we avoid what it is uncomfortable or painful? It's a human instinct. I get it, trust me. But I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of the fact that I have refused to give blood for the past 3 years out of fear of fainting or fear of discomfort or fear of needles. Looking deeper, I'm not proud of the fact that I have avoided conversations about Jesus because of fear of failing, fear of awkwardness, or fear of making someone uncomfortable.
Jesus did what was NOT comfortable when He shed ALL of His blood on a cross for my sin. And though my act of discomfort last Thursday was trivial and small, the red cross taped on my arm was a reminder of the sacrifice Jesus made for us. And an encouragement to go beyond my comfort zone- whether it is giving blood that could save a life or sharing Truth that could save a soul.
Whether you have been hesitating to go give blood or talk about Jesus to a friend or neighbor- I encourage you to step out of your comfort zone for the sake of the Kingdom.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Confidence in Him.
This past week has been really hard. We got news from a different seminary offering Spencer a scholarship (Praise God!) but it really threw a a curveball into all the plans we thought we had made. I told myself I wasn't going to get stressed. The Lord would make clear the path, we would have a place to live, I would get a job- He will provide! But my flesh fought that Truth all week. It was truly an hour by hour battle between my need to control things and make plans and the confidence I had in God providing everything in His own time.
The more overwhelmed I got in my efforts to not be stressed, the more discouraged I felt. I hated the part of me that needs to have a plan and know what is going on. I despised the part of me that had no discipline and would ask Spencer daily if he had heard anything about the interview that hadn't taken place yet (yep folks, this is me in freak-out mode!).
Thankfully, I have a very patient husband who lovingly helps me through my insecurity and fear of the unknown. And I have a God who knows every inch of my quivering heart, and He has promised not to forsake me for a second.
As I sat down for a much-needed quiet time tonight, I opened my devotional book to words of encouragement that soothed my soul and gave me hope for a future that is full of peace and anxiety-free even in the midst of the unknown.
1 Corinthians speaks of God's strength in our weakness, His wisdom in the midst of what appears to be foolish plans. 1 Corinthians 1: 25-31 "25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
The more overwhelmed I got in my efforts to not be stressed, the more discouraged I felt. I hated the part of me that needs to have a plan and know what is going on. I despised the part of me that had no discipline and would ask Spencer daily if he had heard anything about the interview that hadn't taken place yet (yep folks, this is me in freak-out mode!).
Thankfully, I have a very patient husband who lovingly helps me through my insecurity and fear of the unknown. And I have a God who knows every inch of my quivering heart, and He has promised not to forsake me for a second.
As I sat down for a much-needed quiet time tonight, I opened my devotional book to words of encouragement that soothed my soul and gave me hope for a future that is full of peace and anxiety-free even in the midst of the unknown.
1 Corinthians speaks of God's strength in our weakness, His wisdom in the midst of what appears to be foolish plans. 1 Corinthians 1: 25-31 "25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
26 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him. 30 It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness,holiness and redemption. 31 Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”[d]"
Major W. Ian Thomas writes in his book "The Indwelling Life of Christ":
"When it comes to the point of obedience to God's clear instructions, the Life of Jesus Christ within you makes human circumstances irrelevant; for to share His Life now as he once shared His Father's Life on earth is to know, as Jesus did, that Someone else is taking care of the consequences. What I am urging is simply that you become delightfully detached from the pressure of circumstance, so that it ceases to be the criterion in the decisions you make."
That is what I want!! I want to be so at rest and so confident in God's plan for us that I can be at rest in the midst of circumstance that could be stressful. No, this does not mean that we are to go about living our lives in a foolhardy manner, or making decisions for the sake of being "carefree." But it does mean that when God tells us to go that we go. It does mean that when He tells us to go, there may be risks involved. It may not look wise, secure, or comfortable to the world.
Romans 12:1-2 says, "12 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
Do not conform to the pattern of this world. The life that God calls Christians to live will probably not be the American Dream. In fact, I would like to venture to say that it isn't the American Dream. There is much, much more to life than that.
So I pray that the next time that Spencer and I are faced with unknown, decisions, or a call from God that seems risky or uncomfortable, that my answer is, "Yes Lord, I trust You to provide for us, even when the answers are not all right in front of me."
I pray for you also, that you would experience the freedom that comes from letting go of the pressures of this world and resting in the Lord's plan for your life.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
I'm back.
Hello friends,
I highly doubt anyone will even see this post. Because it's been so. long. since I've blogged.
Life got crazy, I barely survived last semester, but my head is above water again. I graduate in less than one month (somebody shake me!), and the hubby and I are moving somewhere for him to go to seminary.
But I don't want this blog to be about me. When I first got engaged and married, I remember googling "Blogs wife seminary." And I didn't find any! I wanted to be able to read about what it was like to be newly married and have a husband in seminary. So now that we are going to be that couple, and I will, Lord willing, have time to get back to writing, I'm going to pick up the pencil again, as one might say.
I'm far from perfect, but by God's grace, I am figuring it out day by day. And I want to share it with others as an encouragement. My ah-ha moments in marriage, adoption, ministry. And the weaker moments when I ruin dinner, act selfishly towards my husband, freak out about the future, and the list goes on.
This is my life, and I'm back to share it.
I highly doubt anyone will even see this post. Because it's been so. long. since I've blogged.
Life got crazy, I barely survived last semester, but my head is above water again. I graduate in less than one month (somebody shake me!), and the hubby and I are moving somewhere for him to go to seminary.
But I don't want this blog to be about me. When I first got engaged and married, I remember googling "Blogs wife seminary." And I didn't find any! I wanted to be able to read about what it was like to be newly married and have a husband in seminary. So now that we are going to be that couple, and I will, Lord willing, have time to get back to writing, I'm going to pick up the pencil again, as one might say.
I'm far from perfect, but by God's grace, I am figuring it out day by day. And I want to share it with others as an encouragement. My ah-ha moments in marriage, adoption, ministry. And the weaker moments when I ruin dinner, act selfishly towards my husband, freak out about the future, and the list goes on.
This is my life, and I'm back to share it.
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